At least for now.
When the new year rolled in I decided to stop blogging, and in my arms are all the reasons. This was supposed to be a quiet death. No one was supposed to notice. I was going to let the domain expire and just not talk about it; but-
I forgot to disable the auto-pay thing (yes, this blog costs me money haha) and it automatically charged my card, which led to the renewal of my domain. I figured I’ll get my money’s worth by saying a proper goodbye.
To be honest, I don’t know what to say. And I can’t point to a single, definite reason why. Maybe this is just me outgrowing another hobby until I find the next. Maybe I realized I’m not really relevant anymore. I sure did feel like I had nothing worthwhile to say, for so many months. I grew exhausted of speaking in front of an audience (metaphor. speaking = typing. audience = you). I don’t know if this is me admitting defeat – maybe writing’s just a pipe dream. Maybe I really can’t make a living off of this, except for the occasional commissioned script (which I force myself to write). I really don’t know. Stay with me here.
This week, I was neck-deep in work, which I hold no grudge about. I looked at the clock once and saw that it was 9:45 pm. Can’t go home yet because I was finishing stuff up. My heart was telling me, remember when you thought you’d be spending these days writing films. I’m not fond of these little moments of sudden clarity. They force me to think about things I suppress with busyness. They force me to cry out what about me on days I feel good about being a soldier for others.
Just this morning, I cried hot tears in the bathroom because I was so exhausted. But I wanted to show up. I wanted to print stuff for others and run their errands and help them with their excel spreadsheets and help them with programs and plans. I love helping others. But I don’t know how to help myself, or work towards my dreams, because I feel selfish when I do.
As you can probably tell by now, I really have a lot to sort out. Ha.
So yeah. I guess this is defeat. I guess this blog will be another writing project I put on the shelf.
I’m writing this for the people who always visit my blog; who sit and listen whenever I had something to say. I know it probably doesn’t mean a lot to you but you guys mean a lot to me. There are probably five of you. I know your names. I carry you in my heart. You gave me permission to voice out what I had to say. I am so sorry. I feel like I’m disappointing some of you. I’m so sorry I can’t keep this up.
I hope this blog post finds you well. I hope you’re in a place where you’re reaching your wildest dreams. I’m rooting for you. I’m praying for you.
As for me, I’ll figure this out. Maybe I’ll pick up new dreams on the way. I didn’t stop writing, though. I write everyday in my journal. But the Lord is my only audience and perhaps that’s more than enough.
Again. Thank you so much.