stable and steadfast

I’m sitting here, a bit speechless, knowing that a lot of my years have been pointing to this, right here; that this was already planned even before I knelt in front of Jesus and gave Him my life, right here; this is where He wants me. In full-time ministry.

It only fully sank in when an Ate from church talked to me about it. She helped me process my fears, just by listening to me voice them out. It was freedom to vocalize what I was afraid of, because as they echoed in front of me they looked really small. Small and baseless and powerless. But even then I was still afraid.

I spent my Monday reading Colossians 1. I was gonna start work the next day. I’m going to paste it here, and I know it is tempting to skim it over, but please, read it. Read every word. Because when I did, it changed my heart:

 We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you,because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all God’s people the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel that has come to you. In the same way, the gospel is bearing fruit and growing throughout the whole world—just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and truly understood God’s grace. You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant,[c] who is a faithful minister of Christ on our[d]behalf, and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.

Faith in Jesus. Love for God’s people. This is my calling. And I have a source – it springs from the hope I have in heaven, my Savior, preparing a room for me. I’m gonna be with Him one day, and I long for that so bad. He knows it. But as my longing grows, He wants me here. I am called to His gospel, that is and always have been bearing fruit and growing throughout the world. He doesn’t need me to carry out His work. He wants me. How mind-blowing is that? He wants me. I’m babbling because I can’t believe it. My own biological father didn’t want me. But my Heavenly Father does. He does.

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,[e] 10 so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Fatherwho has qualified you[f] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Why? Why me? Because He has rescued me. Because I am the girl He freed six years ago. Because I am redeemed. This is why I do this. Any of this. I lost that somewhere along the road but I remember now.

This was when I knew for sure that this is where God wants me to be. And I’ve never felt more at peace than I do today.  Nothing changed in my situation. I just read a few words from a centuries-old letter and my whole heart was made new. This is my calling. It is so tangible. There is a blood in my veins and nothing is bone-dry anymore. At least for now.

And I know how short-lived this post can be. I know a lot of days will be ugly and messy because there will be days when I would refuse to lay my life down. There will be days when my not-now dreams will sparkle a bit brighter and echo the approval my ego craves. There will be days, horrible days, because I always forget and I always get lost and I will find myself on ground zero.

My God is prepared for all those days.

I know the next time I enter a cinema, I will itch to inch closer to the silver screen. I will stay behind to read every name on the credits and I will ask the same question I ask every single time – why not me

My God is prepared for all those days.

I know I will look at social media  or catch up with friends and hear stories of large houses and professional titles and big paychecks and I know too well that I will visualize my mother, her calloused hands, her desire to retire soon–

My God is prepared for all those days.

I know I will burn up. I know I will wake up one day and feel angry. I know myself. I will shrink back from commitment. I might run away. I’m afraid that day will come. I don’t want it to. I won’t be able to handle myself well, but my God, He will be.

My God is prepared for all those days.

If it were up to humans, I would have already been disqualified from ministry a long, long time ago. Imagine a broken girl with dirty hands, holding the gospel. A girl succumbing to depression every year. A girl who clings to empty dreams. Who am I to tell others about Jesus?

But it is not up to man. It is not up to church leadership. It is not even up to me.

God pointed His scepter at me when I walked in the room. I should die in the presence of such a Holy King. But He let me in. He let me touch Him. Can you imagine?

I do not know if this is a season or my lifetime calling. What I do know – I don’t have to know now. I just have to trust.

I don’t know about you, but wherever God leads you, I pray He gives you the courage and the selflessness to obey. His knowledge of the future is infinitely vast, because He wrote it. Our lives are in Good Hands. You and I both. Always.

One thought on “stable and steadfast

  1. Pingback: this must be the place. – Malaya, Maligaya

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