I surprised myself today.
The moment I stepped out of the house to buy lunch, all my hair frizzed up and I noticed I looked big in the shirt I was wearing. Also, why were there mirrors on all four walls of that carinderia? But that’s not the surprise
I went to school to pay some dues for this graduation ball – I’m assigned at table 64, at the very far back. I’m gonna be a spectator, once again. I love being a spectator. But that’s not the surprise
I stepped into the dean’s office, carrying hope. I do not know who co-authored this shameful exercise of going there and asking if you’re receiving any awards, but somebody did and I had to do it, because my teachers said they were positive about it and about me. My name was not on that list. The dean’s secretary even explained why I was not on the list. To be honest, a “no” would have sufficed; that was all I needed to know. But she thought I had to know why not, so she said many words like average and previous semesters and i’m very sorry and you’re disqualified. I’ve heard all that before. I knew I was expecting this so I wonder why I carried hope to that office. I should have not. I cried. But this is not the surprise
I’m here now, many hours later. I was punishing myself for an hour, calling myself names, being my worst enemy yet again, and like always I asked God if there was anything, at all, that’s left to look forward to because I was just done. After giving it a bit more thought, and probably after I grew sick of that one shrill antagonizing voice, I said, i’m done punishing myself for old things.
Part of me is crushed that I will not be able to extend the courtesy of handing an award to the people who are waiting for me to announce that I indeed have one. I want to see their eyes beam with pride. I want to hear their congratulations, maybe hear them sigh and with it they exhale the four difficult years of bearing with me. I was not able to afford them that feeling. I am very sorry.
But I am done punishing myself for things God doesn’t even hold against me. Medal or not, I know He is beaming with pride, largely anchored on the sole truth that He loves me and gave Himself for me. That I’m still alive despite the antagonizing voice that is giving me all these false accounts about myself.
I’m glad I won a battle today. I haven’t been winning in months, so I bought a cake, and although I have a couple things to work on, I’m sitting here, writing about these things. Not my own worst enemy anymore. Surprise.