unexpected victories

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Let me tell you this – right after I had my graduation picture taken, I cried so hard because of this subject. If I remember it correctly, I came from Cantata practice the night before, went to a 24 hour coffeeshop to work on several debate speeches that had to be submitted, slept two hours total and went to school, had my grad pic taken, went to this class… and my professor did not accept them because I submitted late. I cried so hard. My makeup didn’t survive. This subject made me feel like I was always on the edge, always on the verge of failing, and I tried my best (probably way too hard) to show my professor that I can do it.

By the way, she’s one of my favorite professors.

My classmates were younger than I am. Much brighter. Had to drag myself to class everyday. To not be defeated by the voices that laugh at me. Always reminded myself that I win small battles just by showing up, no matter how bloodied or bruised I am.

I went to the debate tournament organized by her other class, ended up coming home with a medal and a certificate and a gift. I do not know why, and how I end up here when I stayed up last night because of another emotional debacle and self-doubt marathon. Or how I found beautiful friendships with my classmates. How I receive emails from my prof saying I reported well or presented my argument well. How I got here, the last day.

I do not know. All  I know is grace.

You are my King, and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob. (Psalm 44:4)

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