And I’m writing this one-third into February because hello, it’s me.
January was the looooooongest month ever. It felt like it didn’t have a finish line. And now, 11 days after the said month it feels like it’s been a thousand years, too. What a weird year you are, 2018. Are we on a entirely different time dimension or something?
Let’s talk about the goals I set in January. I bought a cheapo planner in a department store because I thought I would love to finally be organized (I say this every year). I did have a CBTL planner and almost earned a Starbucks planner but I gave them away because my friends deserved them more than I did. I’m glad I made that decision because my new planner works perfect and I don’t even have to worry if I spill tea on it. Wipe and repeat.
I had 4 goals for January.
- Read the Bible every day
- Tithe 10%, Save 10%
- Journal every day
- Post in my blog once a week
I failed on all four counts, if we are strict on the adverbs I used for each. There were days I didn’t read the bible and I don’t even have a good reason why not. I’ve been good on tithing but definitely not on the saving. I wrote in my journal for a total of 5 days (this is so embarrassing to admit) and did one weekly post on my blog.
Why am I telling you my failures? I don’t know. What I do know is that I had these failures coming. I’m never good with rules. I’m not saying this like i’m not your average girl I break rules ha ha. I wish I was good with rules. I wish I know how to commit to a 30 day goal without fail, be a role model, get invited to a Ted Talk, all that jazz.
But hey. On the days I failed, I just resolved to start the next day. Not even start over, but just pick up where I left off. That is why I am writing this despite my 3 week hiatus and condensing the entirety of January into one post. Why should I be the greatest enemy of my self? It’s been 21 years of being my worst critic. Let’s tame that down.
HOWEVER, there were goals I did not set but was able to achieve. NOW LET ME PRE-EMPT THIS WITH A SHORT ESSAY. The following goals have something to do with my body. I know, shocking, right. I never talk about my body because everybody seems to have an opinion on it. I can never recall a time when I was not called fat. I recently browsed through old photos and saw my 2015 body (which was amazing, btw) but that was the year I tried going to the gym because everybody told me I was fat. I’ve gained weight since then and the comments about my body just kept rising like a crescendo I didn’t want to hear. I stopped caring, really, but up to this day, in fact just this morning as I was getting dressed for church, I thought “I hope nobody comments on my body today”.
SO. One morning on the first week of January, out of complete nowhere I thought of intermittent fasting. It’s this type of diet where you eat within an eight hour period and fast for 16 hours. I did a LOT of research and found the best style that I thought would work for me, including cheat days to keep my body healthy. This included eating clean and drinking lots of water
I’ve been fasting intermittently for 4 weeks now. Is it my goal to lose weight? I’d be lying if I said no, but that’s not the main goal. I just want to take care of myself more proactively. Was it hard? Oh the first few days were torturous. But it became part of my daily life and to be honest, now, I feel like throwing up at the thought of 3 full meals in one day. It all feels like too much.
Oh and also, I didn’t tell anyone about this. So if my friends are reading this, hello, this is why I skip dinner HAHA
NOW don’t come at me with your fitness suggestions because I’m not asking for them. If you are gonna comment about my body, I’m not gonna listen to you. I sound so angry LOL but really. Just shut up.
THE OTHER GOAL was to drink 2 liters of water everyday. I’ve been doing just that, too.
I’m sitting here thinking if there is any moral lesson to this. Probably not. Maybe I just wanted to say this – every single comment about my body in the past five years have accumulated in my head and I wake up everyday in a state of anger and intense self-pity because I look the way I look. And if the reader of this blog happens to be a total stranger, get this – I’M NOT EVEN OVERWEIGHT. I like my body just fine. Nobody agrees with me though.
If you experience something similar, I hope you find the strength to let their comments fall on deaf ears. If anything should motivate you to care for yourself, or lose weight, it should be coming from you.
I succeeded at goals I didn’t plan, wow. Maybe you’re discovering something here, Krizia. Other things:
> School has been REALLY hectic. But I’m not complaining. I’m on my last stretch.
> I watched three films this month – Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri, Get Out and Star Wars: The Last Jedi.
> I did not finish any book I picked up. Booooo
> I also went on a 2 day retreat on the last days of January. It changed my life forever. I’ll probably write about that experience on a different post.
> Apparently I had a really good January 12, too, according to my phone memo but I can’t remember what I did that day. THIS IS WHY I WANT TO JOURNAL DAILY.
Let me disclose an ugly truth – throughout January I felt this “incurable insecurity”. Here’s a prayer from January 28. This is gonna get embarrassing, once again:
Lord, I refuse to believe that you are blessing others more than you bless me. That you give them better bodies and better futures; better career options, better homes, better circumstances. I refuse to believe You play favorites among your children, and although most days I feel like Your least favorite daughter – I know for a fact that it is not true.
It is important to stay rooted in the Word and to believe what the Creator has to say about me.
Also, in January, I received more confirmations about my calling (for the next few years, at least). It has been the biggest struggle. It’s the only thing I cry about these days. My heart keeps swinging to other things. But it has been clear that God is calling me to this responsibility. I’m still wrestling with it. Wringing my hands. Falling down bruised. I want to obey. My heart is just not quite there yet.
I will close this with my prayer for January, and probably for the next few years-
May God give us the desire and power to do what pleases Him. (Philippians 2:13)