To sum it in a few words – celebration, new year, leaving, throwing things, class, insecurity pangs, tears to “open the eyes of my heart, Lord”
I am incredibly blessed. I ended 2017 and began 2018 right where I wanted to; in Caloocan, surrounded by family, in the blissful hum and quiet of domestic life. I forgot how it felt like to know your neighbors, and to say good morning when you pass by their house. To have family dinners everyday. To laugh at corny telenovelas together. To be asked, “Ate Krizia, paano ba kung—“
Christmas break healed me in so many ways. Catharsis. Imagine my dismay when I had to leave. My flight was January 2. The only thing written for it on my planner was Leave Manila, and it distressed me. We arrived at a rainy Cebu, roads with light traffic, a messy house. All my energy I spent on cleaning our room. When I finished organizing my bookshelves (which stores things other than books) I had two full trashbags. Two.
I watched Star Wars for the first time this week, too. Wow. I, again, remembered why I love films so much. Luke and Leia made me cry, maybe it was the twin bond I recognized. I identified with Luke so much – failing, retreating to a shell, loathing what is and longing for could have been if I hadn’t messed up. My three year old mistakes still haunt me, still make me spell what if. It takes a lot of humility to accept that those are past tense things, already redeemed and restored by God. Oh, how hard it is to forgive one’s self.
Insecurity pangs. I’ve written about this before. And I thought I was over it, until I saw a girl living the life I can only dream of living. Or looking the way I would never look like, having a physique that is far from my body type. I saw a woman with a happy family of her own and immediately thought, oh, that can’t possibly happen to me. I will never have the career I dream of or be a wife and mother, blablabla
Baseless accusations. If I stop to think about them, I start to believe them. In church today we sang open the eyes of my heart, Lord, I want to see You — The cry of my heart. I can’t see you, Lord because all I see is myself and my mistakes and my physical appearance and how the next girl is infinitely better-
If you felt this way recently, too, hey. Big hug. I am grateful God does not tolerate me when I punish myself like that. His Word is a covenant, a promise, of His love for you and for me. It’s my only security. His is the only voice of truth. My defender, the shield of my heart, my hiding place. Make Him yours, too.
Today I received a letter from Saysay. The last time she gave me a letter was the time when we used our words to hurt each other. We’re past that now, only by the grace of God. She wrote today, Satan tried to break us, but he sure was not able to. Of course he can’t. We thought He won already, but oh boy were we wrong. We have a Victor God, defender of God-given friendships.
There is hope for the things we kneel about. Petitions we cast when we bow down in prayer. I’ve been seeing it year in and year out. God heals, restores, grants, forgives. Makes things new. Make no mistake about it.
Thank You, Jesus.