rays of light

i wrote this yesterday, but i was not able to post it. i am posting it now, on a day when it feels like i lost all my progress and I am back to square one. it’s great to be reminded. i hope it was as easy to remind my heart.

I wasn’t aware that there were many people who had genuine concern for me. I am saying this matter-of-factly. I know I have a close-knit group of friends who are willing to go miles and miles for me, but lately, the influx of support has shocked me like cold water and got me thinking that if Jesus was here He would say, “Yes, that’s it, that’s how you’re supposed to do church, that’s how you bear each other’s burdens”

I screenshotted every message, kept every card from everyone who took time to make sure I am doing better than I did yesterday. My biggest regret in previous bouts of depression was not letting people know. I missed out on community, on healing the way God designed us to heal – which involves lots of hands and prayers and laughter until all the right places hurt.  I wrote a poem for class a few weeks ago and one of the lines there is becoming true:

 we laughed at the future to come
we countered the voices with our own exuberant noise.

Every little act of kindness has soothed my soul. I am writing this to let those people know that I carry your love for me everyday, press it against the bruises and somehow my day gets better. Everything – as in everything, had helped usher light in.

Yesterday somebody gave me a bouquet of flowers. I swear it was as if somebody finally cracked opened a window and this tiny ray of light shone through me. I was paralyzed in bed before it arrived. I transferred it to a vase and placed it where I can see it – what a sight for a sore heart.

My discipler sent me the sweetest encouragement, telling me about her own struggles and how her husband has been so loving and patient and caring, and she told me that one day I will look back at all this and I will be sure that God has been good to me, that God has sustained me and enabled me, but until then I have to fight, I cannot succumb, I need to be strong and to make the right choices to overcome all these. I badly needed to hear that. Those words gave me a little strength too.

My bestest friend  – who is miles away – has been making me laugh nonstop tonight with Taylor Swift lyrics. Another friend gave me food. Other friends accompanied me. I can not emphasize how grateful I am, and undeserving, and God knows how much I want to be healed already for their sake, because I want to be able to carry their burdens, too, and do life with them to the full, to the very full-

I’ve been reading Psalm 16 today. I fell in love with this Psalm three years ago and I can’t believe I forgot all about it. I am ending this post with that, and I hope you don’t skip it, I hope you read every single word, let it seep into your soul, let it heal you as it is healing me. I placed emphasis on my favorite lines. This was written by King David, and I pass it onto you. May it open a window, let light in. 


1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.

3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.

4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips.

5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.

6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

8 I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.

10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.

11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.



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