Dreaming Again


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I haven’t done these kinds of posts in a while, but I have several things I want to talk about. 

Unang-una, salamat for reading my blog. I am saying this with a tender, humbled heart. Most days I feel like I’m not good at the only thing I know I can do, which is writing. Because of people like you, I get to push past that complacency and self-hatred and just write. Thank you.

Most of you know that I fell in love with film during a screenwriting class in college. Most of you also know that I struggled and struggled with it dahil I never found the time to start writing. Nagkaroon ako ng mga opportunity to be part of shoots and write short (super short!) films, but walang naging madali. It competed a lot with ministry, which is another great love of mine. Hindi ko kinaya na pagsabayin sila. I always had to choose between the two.

October last year, I had the chance to go to an interview para maging bahagi ng screenwriting workshop ng isa sa mga pinakahinahangaan kong screenwriter. I even had the money to buy the ticket. I decided to not go (still hurts to remember) dahil it will cost me things of greater worth.

Another screenwriting workshop came. Eto, one day lang, Saturday, I can fly in and out (kasi Manila pa rin). The only thing holding me back was practices for a play in our church, which I wrote. They needed me at the practice. I was soooo close to being selfish and leaving everything, para bang “Lord, pwede bang ako muna, ako naman, napag-iiwanan na ako, ako muna, please”.

I gave up my slot and stayed for the practice. The play was a success.

Meanwhile as this was all happening, an old classmate of mine wrote and shot a short film, submitted it to a national competition, won. I will be ugly-honest now by saying na I felt really bad. Really jealous. Really, really hurt.

This year, my short film Napulo joined its third film fest. There I was, holding on to a two-year old short film na project for finals. Napasok sya sa top 13 but I didn’t win anything. They didn’t screen the film either, so the story was told to a room of judges lang. At that moment I felt and was almost entirely sure that film, maybe, is not for me.

Kinukwento ko ito lahat ngayon kasi I am dreaming again.

Noong summer, my question was if creativity was a worthy pursuit. Should I continue telling stories? Will God be glorified if I glorified Him with the only thing my hands knew how to do – write?

I’ve read answers everywhere but I had to know the answer myself. Maybe hear it from God Himself.

Praise God, the Creator God, He wasn’t silent at all. He revealed Himself beautifully in His word. I found the answers my heart needed everywhere in the Bible. I’ve found that God is a God who wants to be sung to, written about, drawn, danced, all that. I guess what blew me away the most was that my God – my Creative, Passionate God was a God who writes.

A few years back, I received a calling that God wants me to “inspire others to have faith in Him”. This is a calling I held on to, gave up, held on to again. All the revelations of God about His creative spirit confirmed and clarified my calling. 

A few weeks back, I started borrowing books from the library again. I downloaded a college syllabus for screenwriting. I looked at the topics, wrote them on  index cards, searched the youtube videos. I decided if I just moped around and waited for “time” I’d never start page one. I have a story I want to tell. It’s about Jesus. It’s the one thing I wanna do for the rest of my life – tell stories about Jesus. 

To be honest, I don’t know if film is really for me. For all I know, this might be another dead end. But I don’t really care anymore. I just want to be sure I tried, gave it all I could. I am holding it all in open hands. God has given this drive, planted this dream in my heart today. Maybe tomorrow He’ll reveal that it is just a step to another dream. That’s okay. He can take this away anytime He pleases. 

I know I don’t have to worry about hurting or feeling empty or unaccomplished because the God writing my life is a Good Writer. Good – no trace of evil, full of love. Good – masterful, creative, excellent.

I just have to trust in that.

 

 

 

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