I do not know much about living. I’ve been here on earth for twenty-one years and I still find myself circling the mall five times. A habit I do when I feel lost. I tend to walk. Walk a lot. Think. I can’t think when I’m still. I have to move and look at things and listen to songs and-
Do you ever feel lost?
Yesterday I was working. Uploading about 400 pictures I took at our family camp. I stood up to go to the restroom. As I washed my hands I looked up at the mirror and saw myself. The floodgates of anxiety opened again. I do not know what causes that. But it did. I violently remembered many things
The classes I skipped. The calls I did not answer. The people I left behind. All the times I screamed at my mother. The guy who left me. The guy I left. The disappointed look on my pastor’s face. My officemate’s face. Our chairman’s face. The lies I told. The lies told to me. The dreams I have but never chase. Always too afraid to chase.
I did all I could to stop the movie in my head and leave.
I circled the mall five, no maybe six times. I wondered if there was a map to myself. Why I become little if I put myself beside my friends who are now achieving great things. Am I really, little, or am I nothing at all
I dragged myself home at 7 pm and slept. Woke up at 4 am. Thought the same things.
Went to work at 10. Thought the same things.
Finished a movie at 9 pm. Still thinking the same things.
Maybe the hardest thing to comprehend in all this is – here I am, making a list of all the things I hate about myself and I still hear Jesus call me His. Listing all the things He has done for me.
His love is so unreasonable. I still drown.