“He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them” – Mark 6:48
Lately I’ve been struggling with feelings of loneliness. This is really confusing me because I had always enjoyed being alone and doing things alone.
But in the past few weeks I had been feeling really bad about being by myself. I remember scanning through IG stories and seeing two of my friends on a study out and feeling really bad. I asked out loud, “why won’t anyone do this with me?” Of course nobody answered, because I was alone.
This feeling has intensified. I find myself looking at the other side of my laptop screen and feeling awful about the empty chair opposite me at the coffeeshop. I feel helpless when meeting work deadlines – not because I feel like I can’t do it but because I just want someone to do it with me. Once I felt dissatisified about a really good movie simply because I watched it alone.
I do not know where all this is coming from. All I know is that even on perfectly fine days I feel like I’m drowning, and nobody is there to see me flail around. I wrote on my journal “Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako. Sana may magtanong. Sana may makinig”.
Now I should mention this – I have wonderful friends. I have friends that are definitely one call away, and are ready listeners. But even as great as they are I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t call them. Or ask them out. I just felt helplessly alone.
Do you ever feel this way, too?
God has not been silent on this, thank Him, as I struggled. Last week I read from the book of Isaiah that He comforts Zion and makes all her waste places beautiful. I read that we should look to the rock from which we were hewn, which is Him. He is a very personal God, not at all the graying, angry man He is usually depicted as.
Last Sunday our pastor preached about the time Jesus walked on water. It was a very stormy night and the disciples were out in the middle of the sea, crying out in terror. The bible says that Jesus saw them straining at the oars.
Jesus saw them. He walked on water to reach them. He calmed the winds and waves.
There are a lot of things that I carry alone. Some of them I should, some of them I shouldn’t. Yesterday, at the worship service, as I was sitting there I was blown away by the thought of my Lord praying for my faith, watching over me as I flail around, walking on stormy waters to reach me.
I am not alone.
Thank You, Jesus, for always carrying me close to Your heart.