One of those really, really bad days. Weeks even.
My old dark cloud is back. Me at 11 AM, frozen in bed, fatigued, scared out of my wits. Not new, really. But I was terrified that it came back so soon-
I texted a friend. Asked her to pray for me, because everything felt heavy and I was losing to the voices in my head. She said “mem, tandaan mo ang reason kung bakit ka tumayo noon” and i said okay and I tried and she texts again, sige lang mem, mananalo ka-
I do not know about tomorrow. But for today I am sure my days are back and I am terrified. Been in and out of this for almost 5 years now and it almost always feels like the first time-
Later in the day I spend an hour in this measly remittance store, waiting for money they can’t give to me just yet. My brother texts, asks for money for a haircut, I practically beg the woman to give me my money. She said I can come back when the system is fixed-
I walked out of that store with hot tears, but none of it falling just yet. It wasn’t even about the money, sure, I needed it, but I was begging God to do something about this day because none of it felt right and I did not fit my skin and my hair was horrible and I haven’t eaten anything-
I zone out in class. The instructor is saying something about our deadlines for the rest of the semester. In my head I am somewhere else. I am in a conversation-
Few years back. He said it bothered him seeing me like this. This = tired, sad, dead on the inside. He tried everything to cheer me up. Bought me my happy drink. Bought me donuts. Brought me to a friend’s restaurant and asked them to serve me their best food. He tried buying me clothes. Writing me letters. Driving me anywhere I wanted to go. He would look over at me, at the passenger side, glance at the road and look at me again. He would hold my hand – even if I dropped it a million times – he would hold my hand and tell me about the house he wanted to buy or the boy he met on the street or how I would make a wonderful wife—
None of those worked, and he grew tired of trying-
I reluctantly snap back to the present. I check my heart for happy feelings. There are none. The dark cloud is hanging above me. Whatever happened in 2013, 2014, 2015 – they’re all gone now. The man is cheering up another girl, the messes of the past seasons are probably cleaned up by somebody else. I do not recall any single victory in the last few hours. I kind of melt into my seat because I was losing to whatever this struggle is and it’s only been a day-
I know my future self will be stronger because of this, and all that self-help talk; but the present Krizia is drowning and coughing up lifelessness and I wish there was something I can do about my recurring sadness that had only been successful in pushing people away-
Oh Lord Jesus. You know what to do with me. Please hold my pieces together.