Mga kafreshness. Life has been a crazy mosaic lately;
I have started to hate that word. Busy. Halos buong college life ko, I am assumed to be busy, laging walang time, etc. I hate that word. I hate it when people start their sentences with “Krizia, alam kong busy ka”. Hated it to the very core.
Bakit ba ako busy? Because working student ako, with a full-time commitment sa church (which I love with my whole heart), and at the same time full-time student, with a full load. Ayan.
I have put my dreams on hold, let other people fulfill theirs first, kasi nga, “busy” ako. My planner has dictated na busy ako. My friends automatically assume na wala akong time. Sometimes my groupmates try to ease my work kasi ayaw nila madagdagan ang stress ko.
But; I have been rebelling against that lately. Ewan. I make time for everything now. Hindi ko pa napeperfect but I’m improving my time management, char, bigyan ng award. I have a long to-do list araw-araw pero okay lang. I look forward to everyday. I am grateful for being “busy”, because this ministry and this scholarship and my subjects and my dreams and my rakets and my family and my friends – they are all God’s gifts to me.
I realized hindi naman talaga yata ako “busy”. Maybe it’s just that God has been blessing me in bulk, leaving a million gifts under the Christmas tree, at eto ako, natataranta, hindi alam kung anong unang bubuksan.
It’s a bit silly that this kid has been whining about the quantity of her gifts. Lord, sorry po.
And it’s a bit funny to watch this kid being overwhelmed by the quality of these gifts. Lord, salamat po.
I have to make a disclaimer everytime (kasi meron akong mga concerned friends and relatives na nag-aabang kung kailan pa ako magboboypren): this is not about a romantic relationship.
Okay na? Haha.
So this year, I have been learning a lot about love. Yung definition ko ng pag-ibig ay unti-unting nababago, nadadagdagan, nababawasan, nag-eevolve, and right now it is staring me in the face. I thought I knew a lot about love.
Exhibit A – Been a follower of Jesus for four years now. Of course I know He loves me; I know it led Him to the cross for me. I know all His plans are good for me. I know. I know.
Akala ko lang pala.
I have been faced with a mirror that revealed my darkest sins, biggest offenses; para bang may nagbukas ng ilaw and I didn’t even realize I was hiding so many things in the dark. I looked at myself in disgust. I treated myself like a prisoner,a convict, a guilty man.
One night I raised my fist to heaven and challenged the greatest Lover, “Lord, after all this, ano, mahal mo pa rin ba ako?”
Up to now may mga gabing tinatanong ko pa rin Siya. And without fail, magmula eternity past up to this day and until all eternity falls away; His answer is Yes. Always yes.
With all this “walang forever”talk, I know of a love that begs to differ.
Exhibit B – i have been reading 1 Peter. Paulit-ulit niyang binanggit ang brotherly love. Love one another earnestly from a pure heart. Love the brotherhood. A sincere brotherly love.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
I search my brain for examples. I know my heart yearns for this kind of brotherly love – pure, sincere, earnest.
Some people like convenient friendships. Friendships where you are kept at an arm’s length, hindi masyadong needy, in fact never needy at all, bawal yan. Friends lang naman kayo.
Those kinds of friendships have always left me thirsty, parched, empty.
But, let me tell you about the friendships that have filled me up to the brim; friends from miles away who still keep in touch daily, friends who sit down with me at coffeeshops to talk about our lives, friends who regularly say kamusta ka and free ka ba and tara, let’s spend time together.
Friends who have dirty hands because dealing with me is dirty work;
Friends who have bruised knees because they are on their knees with me, in my deepest and most heart-wrenching times of prayer, when we all fight for the people we love that satan seems so keen to take away;
My friends. Not afraid to wade in the mire that is my life. Never afraid to dip their arms in my brokenness, always ready to fish my heart out when it starts to drown in doubt and sin;
Mga mem, beshy, you know who you are. I love you and I would fight for you and when I get on my knees to talk to my Lord, I will always remember to thank Him for you. Thank you for being in my life, and for allowing me to participate in yours.
3. New Things
There are new things all around me. This time last year I was paralyzed with anxiety. Now there are new opportunities, new friendships, new dreams – I am overwhelmed. These times are hard. The old parts of me are chipping off and it is painful. May my good Lord keep me close to His chest. May I rejoice in the new-ness of things. When I talk about them may people hear about Him.
Lord. I often lose words when I have to write about You. None of them seems right. None of them seems to fit You, or deserve you, but;
Salamat po, for letting me love You by writing, thinking, creating. And above all else, thank You for loving me.