Regrets

I’ve had my fair share of mistakes. Kung close tayo, you know the stories, the details. If you are looking on from afar, you might have heard versions of them. If you don’t know me, you’d still agree. We all make mistakes. Hindi ako exempted.

I think all of us had been asked this question – If you were given the chance to go back in time and fix your mistakes, would you do it?

A younger version of me would look you straight in the eye, without any hesitations, and say No. Kasi, di ba, we know these mistakes eventually evolve into better things. We become stronger, wiser, more mature. I grew up like that. Not stuck on one mistake. Laging forward.

Then 2015 happened.

The first half was beautiful, promising, brand new. A lot of things were budding, it was full of potential, I felt good about myself, my friends, my family.

Sana nastuck nalang ako sa first half.

By the time January 2016 rolled in, I came out bloody and bruised and guilty. Too many mistakes. Too many sins.

If you asked me the same question now, and if I were to answer truthfully, I would tell you that on days like this I feel like giving everything up just to get one more shot at things. I would do anything just to get a restart. Rewind po sana, June 2015.

Then I’ll stay committed. I’ll reply to that text message. I’ll make time. I won’t be too busy. I won’t skip class. I’ll learn to say No. I’ll say yes without fear. I’ll cling to God harder, this time. Lord, please, parang awa mo na, ulitin natin.

Up to this day, minsan hindi pa rin ako makahinga dahil sa mga pagsisising namamahay pa rin sa dibdib ko. I hear myself saying, I wish I did, I wish I didn’t. Masakit.

Friend, you know what, it’s okay to regret. Its okay to stand outside a coffeeshop and stay frozen on the pavement because all you see inside are the ghosts of your memory. It’s okay to look at your grades or your inbox or your scars and feel na sana hindi ito nangyari. Sana hindi ko siya nakilala. Sana hindi. Sana wala.

There is something bigger than all these regrets. What gives me comfort, on nights like this, is Jesus.

Sometime back in history Jesus stood beside a Samaritan Woman by the well. She wasn’t a very clean woman. Jesus shouldn’t be anywhere near her, in fact this well was not even in His path but there He was, talking to her about never thirsting again.

Sometime back, Jesus was in a Pharisee’s house. A prostitute barged in and poured an alabaster flask of perfume at His feet. It was probably bought using money from her latest encounter with sin. She poured it and wept and wiped His feet and worshipped. She, a sinner, was embarassing Jesus, The King of Kings who knew no sin. The people in the room were aghast.

But Jesus put her on a pedestal above everyone else in the room, above the religious leaders and even His own disciples. “Therefore I tell you her sins, which are many, are forgiven –  for she loved much”

My Lord is not jarred nor surprised by my sins. He knows all of them. He grieves over them. He is offended by them. But never did He ever love me less just because of them.

“I have seen his ways, but I will heal him….” Isaiah 57:18

My chest is home to a lot of regrets. But I look at my Savior and know that I am clean, I am forgiven, I am free. Redemption is around the corner, I can feel it in my bones. He has promised it. It will happen.

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Let us pour our lives at His feet, let us weep over our sins, let us love Him with all the ways we know how. Our sins are many. Heinous. Embarassing. But He loves us. Oh, how He loves us.

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