How to Tame a Memory

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As some of you know, my ask.fm is open for anyone na naghahanap ng kausap and sometimes I get asked about this. When I go out with friends, we also joke around about this. Having been through really painful and ugly and messy situations lately, I too have been struggling to forget. So, eto na, mga kababayan, ang sagot ko sa mahiwagang tanong: Paano nga ba mag-move on, Ate Kriz?

The secret is learning to tame the wild beast who thought it would be nice to make your mind its home

You will annihilate it slowly
Shutting the beast out will do you no good
You should make yourself grow fond of the claws that will try to tear at you at 3 am
Take its paws
Place it where the heart is most tender and
Let it feel the beat that once wanted to stop
But managed to stay in motion
Let the claws scratch and slash and wound
Until you discover
That your skin is made of diamonds

Take the monster out for walks
When it is yapping at your heels
As you go through streets you once walked with someone else
Take your memory by the hand
Let it lead you to the dangerous corners
Let it lead you to pavements that still have your tear-stains
Endure the staggering flashbacks
And notice that the monster will tire first
And you’ll find yourself wanting to walk a bit more
To reminisce a bit more
The sidewalks will start to light up like a reverse sunset
And your sepia memories will dim into the background
Your city will look clean
Scarred, but clean

When you’re in the midst of a nice crowd
And he decides to resurface
Tries to taunt you and sneer and growl at you
And makes you
Notice how evidently empty
Your chest is
In a room full of robust, healthy people
Immaculate and mint
Do not be ashamed of his claw-marks
Do not be ashamed of an empty chest
Do not be ashamed of the beast; he is your friend

Welcome it; introduce it to well-meaning people who might notice
You will meet people who will try to shield you
Even if the beast stabs you on the inside
Your chest is not empty
Your chest is an infirmary
And other people may find solace in your battlegrounds
They might be fighting the same war
Let them know that this beast
Can only harm them as much as they allow it to

But no matter what you do, you don’t feed it
You don’t give in especially when it’s the hungriest
When the colors are too vivid and reality marries your memory
When it’s most thirsty of affection
You hold it
You hold it there
Suspended
In the air
You hold it until it fades
It takes hours
Days even
But it will fade
You won’t feel hand imprints on your body anymore
Technicolor turns to black and white
And the credits start to roll
The monsters inside your head will turn to pets turn to insects turn to dust
and you will be okay
You will remember and you will be okay

Love,
Ate Krizia

2 thoughts on “How to Tame a Memory

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