2:22 ng madaling araw.
Kaibigan, it is liberating to realize that you do not have to revert back to your old self. You might like the old better, you feel like you were happier or skinnier or more productive and truthfully, everybody else wants the old “you” back, too. They want the straight-A cheerful pretty girl to come back. They say this is a phase, and if you hold out just a bit more you’d be back to normal.
I’ve been thinking about that lately. Somewhere along the recent roads I lost my bearings. I’ve spent the last one and a half year trying to fit back into old skin but my bones are larger now; I’ve had to endure chest pains to create a bigger ribcage for a growing heart.
The old me is smaller. She is compact, handy, convenient. People liked her better because she is predictable, easier to understand, simple. She likes diving headfirst into things. I still get into serious conversations lately, with people who mean well, and they say i’m kind of deteriorating but I don’t have to worry because after all, this is just a phase.
This is not a phase. This is not a transition period. There is no waiting room or anything similar because this is the now. You live in the now. You are you right now.
Some goodbyes are necessary, so:
Dear old self, pre-depression, pre-failure;
I will miss you and your adolescent energy and your seemingly bottomless reservoir of dreams. You had forest fires in your eyes and I saved some of the embers hoping to recreate your fire.
God did not make a mistake in placing those darker seasons in your life, nor did He intend on making it all look like a mistake to you. He has brought you to a desert place to show you how He makes streams flow into them; to show you how He creates ways in your wildernesses. Being lost is not a handicap. Being lost is a pre-requisite to being found, and my oh my how our Lord loves to find us, lost ones.
And you, friend, if you are anything like me – hang on tight. The Master Creator is on to something. It’s gonna be good.
And to revise a quote from Taylor Swift – she lost herself, but she found Jesus, and somehow that was everything.